Another week down and another soul crushing loss for Cowboy's fans. On the bright side we are all pretty use to it. This game broke the record for most expensive tickets in a playoff game. The average Dallas Cowboy fan paid around $1800 to attend the game. Poor bastards. There are so many things to bitch about from the game like Dak throwing to the wrong team multiple times, missing wide open receivers, dropped passes, poor tackling, sprained ankles, Epstein's island and of course Jerry Jones but i think this line sums it up best: The only thing that made the weekend better was seeing ole Buffalo get molly whopped at home in terrible weather by Cincy. You couldn't even tell the Bengals were playing in snowy weather. It looked like they were playing a special ed middle school football team who's head coach put his life savings on then Bengals. They scored on damn near every possession eliminating 18 brackets off the list saving me so much time on grading. From the bottom of my heart, thank you Bengals. Besides football, Cincy isn't playing games out there and going to be damn hard to beat. The Buffalo hillBILLies (classic comedy) will have to wait another year. Sorry Damar. Kansas City barely beat the offspring of Mitch from Dazed and Confused and Sunshine from Remember the Titans. If you don't know Dazed and Confused then you need to get your life together. If you don't know Remember the Titans then you are probably racist. See what I did there? That's called a double entedre. No, it isn't but y'all are too dumb to know the difference. Just look at the damn pic and move on. Chiefs, all you had to do was get one more first down to run the clock out but noooooooooooo that is too much to ask. You just had to let the jags get a garbage time field goal to ruin my NFL Pick'em dreams. I refuse to talk good about the Eagles so I'll just say Giants looked like a flaccid penis and got manhandled by a team with the worst fans in the league. This game was about as entertaining as watching Car Jiu Jitsu. Yeah that's really a thing just google it. It's almost as fun to watch as women's basketball. C'mon 49ers next week. Die Eagles Die am I right?
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Whale Well wale we are finally back with some lovely NFL playoff action. It's been a really calm, boring, non-interesting year since we last interacted. I can't think of one negative thing that happened in 2020 besides the scare of football season not being played, and holy shit that would of sent me over the edge. Luckily everything worked out, and I can sit back sippin' a Corona with my liberal woke Trump shirt, loosely wearing my MAGA chin diaper while caroling at a nursing home 6ft apart and showing off my Biden slippers and matching BLM socks. It's been a fun year. (It's called sarcasm) Except for Pizza gate. My people in the know tell me that one is legit. (thanks Jeff) Lets move on to some actual good news. For all you Bills fans, they won their first playoff game in almost 25 years and redeemed themselves from last years blow up. That Josh Allen boy is quite good. He looks like he carries quite the hogg on that 6'5" 238 lb frame. I bet he could give Derrick Henry's hair turd a run for its money. Poor Phillip Rivers might have blown his last chance at a Super Bowl. He has only had 16 seasons including 12 playoff games, which I believe is 3 less than the number of kids he has. This guy wants a better team so bad, he has been trying to create his own at home. Congrats to the Bills and all of their lovely fans. I miss all of your tailgating shenanigans. If you're like me and picked Seattle to win because they were playing at home and Ram's weren't going to have a quarterback, then you're an idiot too. This game hurt my brackets and my pockets. The Rams' defense gave a nice worldstar beatdown to those Seahawks. LA's starting quarterback, John Wolford (had to google that), recieved a nice introduction into the NFL by almost getting his neck broken in the first quarter. Then, Goff ran right in to play with no problem.....Hold up the f*#$ up. Goff didn't start the playoff game because he had a booboo? Wolford should sue Goff for being a panzy (toxic masculinty police). I'm not sure the extent of Goff's so-called injury, but I know Wolford's neck is worse. I'm just pissed that Seattle lost, but I'm also happy I dont have to watch Pete Carroll struggle to chew gum with his mask on anymore. What a crackhead. Our next game went about how most people expected, with a Tampa Bay victory. Holy crap - I hate Tom Brady but the guy keeps making shit happen. He is 43 and still outplaying these kids out there. However, this game was definately childsplay (I know) against a 7-9 team that doesn't have a name. The whole NFC East deserves a year suspension with their middle school football performances this year. What a fudging embarrassment to the sport. Washington somehow mustered up the ability to get 7 wins and claim HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE for their effort. Are you kidding me? How do they get home field advantage? I just feel bad for Ron Rivera. The guy had to overcome cancer and deal with a talentless no name football team during a shit year, but somehow still lost to a team that has a quarterback the same age as him. Fuck Tom Brady. There I said it. I know he'll end up winning Super Bowl just to put a lovely nightcap on this crap season. ,Lamar Jackson got his first playoff win last weekend so, he is almost caught up with Phillip Rivers. It wasn't looking good early for the Ravens, but Lamar pulled it together. He only had to put up 136 rushing yards to get the W, which was almost 100 more rushing yards than dookie hair himself, Derrick Henry. Baltimore held the leading rusher in the NFL to just 40 yards. I've said it a million times. You stop the turd, you stop the Titans. I'm excited to see this Ravens and Bills game next week, mostly because I don't have a life during this pandemic thing and also becaus it should be a solid match. I'm not sure how the Bears lost to the Saints. (more sarcasm) The Bears put up an impressive 48 total rushing yards. All jokes aside, the Bears still kept it a close game. I thought this was going to be a bigger blow out, but I keep forgetting the Saints' elderly quaterback was playing. Drew Brees is still playing? This tiny man is still killing it too. You know the NFL roughing the passer penalties are getting weak when we have multiple 40 year old quarterbacks making it to the playoffs. Brees and Brady should be barely able to walk and talk at this point in a football career, giving pep talks to highschool teams about how the good ole days were in football. Instead, we now have to hear about how the 42 and 43 year old get to faceoff for the 300th time this coming weekend. This is going to start getting sad soon. No one likes watching two old men trying to compete on TV. This is going to be like a 3rd debate between Trump and Biden. Which old guy y'all taking? We ended our wild card weekend with a strange one. The terrible Browns from Cleveland put quite the ass kicking on the Steelers. You heard me correctly. The Browns finally have a team. Even though half of them were out this week, it was still more than enough to beat a team that started 11-0. I've been bitching about the Steelers getting lucky and having a soft schedule all year and finally got to see their team go down in flames. Hell I think Washington could of given them a good run. If you missed the first 5 seconds of this game, then you missed Cleveland put up 4 TDs. This game was basically over before halftime. Yes, Pittsburgh managed a small rally, but the Browns treated them like all the other Karens in the world and just made them look dumb while laughing at them uncontrollably. Fucking Karens. I'm out. Man it's been a long time, but the NFL Playoffs are finally upon us. Lets get right into the action, starting with our first Wild Card game. Our weekend started off with a nail biter for Houston fans as the Texans hosted the Bills. I think a lot of people thought Houston was going to win this game pretty easily. I mean we have all seen these trashy Buffalo fans over the last couple of years. No way this city puts together a decent football team. They are a special bag of animals fueled by stupidity, incest and shitty weather. They have been caught doing everything from butt-play to more butt-play. These trashy ass fans have one thing going for them. If you guessed it was respect, you were wrong. They have a decent defense? Yes, that is a question, because I'm confused on what they have going for them and how they made it to the playoffs this year. I don't understand, but they gave Houston all they could handle. The Bills got off to a good start using some trickery and letting John Brown throw for a touchdown. They actually dominated the entire first half and most of the 3rd quarter, leading the game 16-0. It was looking pretty bleak for Houston fans. I can't imagine what it would feel like losing to a team located in one of the shittiest parts of America. Luckily, the Texans finally got some offense rolling late in the 3rd quarter on a DeSEAN Watson 20 yard run. The Texans dominated the 4th quarter and took the lead before the Bills tied it with a field goal, sending the game into overtime. The Bills got the first possession in OT, and just like their fans, they went nowhere. Houston was able to drive the ball down the field and kick the game winning field goal. They can now breathe knowing they are better than that god awful city. Ok, lets move on to what was probably the best part of my weekend. The Patriots losing. What a glorious couple of weeks it has been watching the Patriots crumble and come crashing down like Michael J Fox trying to play Jenga on a wobbly table. Apologies to all the M J Fox fans, but quivering hands and unstable mobility are a perfect comparison to the Patriots last few games. Now, lets break New England's last couple of weeks down one shaky Jenga piece at a time. It all started on December 29th, when they choked against the Dolphins, one of the worst teams in the league. It's like the Dolphins went straight for that bottom row Jenga piece right off the bat (dick move). This resulted in the Patriots not getting the bye week. How bout dem Dolphins? Then, Mr. Brady decides to show up to this Wild Card game dressed as Dopey? How do you expect to get your team behind you when you literally dressed up as the dumbest dwarf of them all? Sure, he is always smiling and happy, but its because he's a schmuck and doesn't know any better. This Dopey outfit would make sense if it was Jay Cutler, but we are talking about the GOAT here. Please act like you're an actual NFL quarterback and stop playing dress up like a wannabe Cam Newton. Sorry, this damn outfit got me offtrack. Where was I? Oh yes, you lost to the shitty ass Dolphins and now had to face dem Titans coached by Mike Vrabel's, former Patriots player. Like most people, I too am dumb and picked New England to win this game. I must of forgot how much of a bad ass Derrick Henry is, even though he is toting a giant turd behind his helmet. They need to test that thing for steroids. It has to be giving him all his power. His hair might look like a turd, but he is actually the shit himself. The guy is a beast and racked up 182 rushing yards on that solid New England defense. New England held Tannehill to just 72 passing yards, but still managed to lose. Man, what a great feeling. The icing on the cake was watching Mike Vrabel milk the clock, using the same loophole Bellicheck discovered several weeks ago. Instead of punting right away on 4th down, the Titans took the delay of game penalty. Then they did an intentional false start, which keeps the clock running and we all got to watch Belicheck squirm in annoyance. What a great ending to the day! Lets jump to those Sunday games and cover the biggest upset of the week first. The Vikings and refs somehow managed to beat the Saints on Sunday and didn't even need a miracle this time. Although there was, of course, some controversy at the end, but lets not get ahead of ourselves. I'm not sure if Drew Brees was choking or if the Vikings have a good defense. Brees looked like a 40 year old man out there. Get it? He's 40. I didn't think Jaysom Hill was going to out quarterback Mr. Brees, but he did. Hill did it all from passing, running, catching, and blocking. If they just had him on defense to stop Dalvin Cook and Kyle Rudolph, they would of won. I refuse to believe that the Vikings are a better team than the Saints, but that's probably because I picked them to win the Super Bowl, my fantasy playoffs, and bracket. No big deal to lose all 3 of those on the same game. Thanks New Orleans! The Saints ended up coming back and tied the game to send it into OT. However, the Vikings won the coin toss and went straight down the field. Then, Mr. Rudolph made a nice controversial catch in the end zone. Did Rudolph push off the defender? You bet your sweet ass he did. Did they call pass interference? No way Jose. Who dat say goin' to beat dem Saints? The refs, duh. Are Saints fans ever going to let it go? God, I hope not. FEEL THE PAIN BABY! FEEL THE PAIN! This picture pretty much sums up the Eagles game. What a fucking joke of a team. No one in the NFC East deserved to make the playoffs. Seattle was basically handed an easy W before the game even started, but lets trash it anyway. I'm not going to lie, this game was a little fuzzy for ole Uncle Sean. I was quite intoxicated by this point, but still always enjoy seeing the Eagles lose. What a terrible team with even worse fans. The best part of the game was watching Clowney destroy Wentz's future with the crown of his helmet causing him to leave the game with what I expect is a life ending head injury. You know it must of been bad, if they didn't lie and let him back in the game to play. I hope he has a speedy recovery and eats his vegetables before he turns into one. Thanks for the no flag on that refs. You would think Seattle would dominate the remainder of this game playing a quarterback-less team, but you would be wrong sir. I'm starting to think Seattle is garbage, but they did end up winning. Dk Metcalf was pretty much Seattle's entire offense. He smoked the Eagles secondary like a blunt (you're welcome Jeff). He had 7 catches for 160 yards, including his game winning one that iced the game. Seattle is definitely not going to win next week, if they don't pick up the scoring. But lets not skip over the main point of this game which is obviously FUCK THE EAGLES! I obviously knew I'd have some ammo on talking about how the refs were going to help the Patriots before these games started, but I didn't think that the Rams were paying them too. Those Saints should of opened up their wallet, but we all knew there was no way for the Chiefs to out bribe the Patriots. Let's not get too far ahead of ourselves and try to sum up the first game as the New Orleans Saints hosted the LA Rams. I could talk for hours about this game, but I think this video pretty much sums it up nicely .... (you're welcome Matt) For those of you who didn't catch this first game, then you missed some classic "refs getting paid" action. This game appeared to be over after the first quarter with the Saints dominating. They came out hotter than a rug burn on your pecker shoved into a boiling hot ghost pepper laced bowl of gumbo. The Rams luckily held the Saints to 2 field goals on the first couple of drives after Goff decided he'd like to throw a pass to the wrong team. Then, that sneaky Rams coach decided to do a fake punt. Some people have been calling him a genius after this call, and those people are called idiots. He didn't have many options at this point in the game. His team was being dominated, and he needed to turn the game around. Sean McVay's real genius move happen in the second quarter when decided to Venmo the refs some cheddar. This young coach has a bright future in this league and will be putting up Belichick numbers in no time. Seriously though, this game was pretty damn entertaining, from start to finish. The Rams fought (paid refs) their way back in this game and were able to tie it up in the 4th quarter. Then, the Saints had the ball in field goal range with time running out on the clock and decided to take a shot down the sideline. However, the receiver was too busy being knocked into another century with a helmet to helmet hit, before the ball got to him. This was clearly pass interference, so the game was about to be over. However, those fucking, now rich, zebras didn't throw the flag. But can we really blame them? They only make a very large salary and work 4 months out of the year. They need to be paid off to get by those other 8 months. Let's try and sympathize with them, because a few of them have kids and very large gambling debts to pay off. The game was now going into over time, but the Rams had all the momentum and money on their side. They drove it down the field and let the game hang on "Greg the Leg's" foot. This guy nailed a 57 yard field goal to seal the deal and solidify him getting some Super Dome on the flight home from McVay himself. See what I did there? I don't want to go on too much about how bad this missed call was, but I will. It was so bad that Todd Gurley literally tweeted this pic (see image moron). I have to give him credit. Pretty damn funny way to needle the Saints after the game. What a dick. The refs did make a lot of other terrible calls against the Rams as well, so I feel like the zebras just sucked all around. In the end, I do think the Rams are the better team, and now we get to watch a Super Bowl where the Patriots do not have any "paid refs" advantage, so it should be pretty damn good. Segues are cool. Everyone knows I hate the Patriots, but I've been preaching all year about how the Chiefs weren't going to make it to the Super Bowl. Their high powered offense is cute, but defenses always wins championships. This game started off with the Chiefs looking a little shakey, probably because it was freezing cold outside. The Patriots are use to the frigid weather, big game stress, paying refs and have been to more Super Bowls than I care to say, so I have no clue how they were the underdogs for this game. That old ass GOAT came out looking very old and slow, but still went right down the field and scored first, and second, and would of had a third touchdown if he didn't throw a very dumb 3 yard pick in the end zone. Honestly, the Chiefs were lucky to only be down 14 in the first half. That so-called bad ass offense of theirs didn't do shit the whole first half. I think Belichick could of saved his money and not paid the refs in this game. However, the Chiefs picked it up in the second half scoring 31 points with 24 in the 4th quarter alone. The game got pretty damn good in the 4th. I think we all knew this game was over when the refs called that BS "roughing the passer" call when a finger tip grazed Brady's shoulder pad on a crucial play. I've said it for years, and I'll continue to say it and show proof - These damn Patriots pay the refs. This might have been a worse call than the refs missing the Rams murdering TommyLee Lewis' ( Saints receiver) pass interference call. I think the other big story on this game was how everyone is up Romo's ass for calling all the plays before they snapped the ball. Too bad that kind of knowledge didn't help the Cowboys. Tony Romo was a great professional quarterback for several years. If the guy couldn't read a defense, then he had no business playing for so many seasons, and this is coming from a giant Romo fan. All that being said, I'll take Romo calling a game over Joe Buck or Chris Collinsworth's fruity asses any day of the week - With all their weird sexual innuendos. "He filled that gaping hole".... fucking creeps. Sorry, that's a sidetrack. The Chiefs did fight back in this game and dominated the 4th quarter, forcing overtime, but the Patriots are just too clutch (paid refs), and had that Rex Burkhead guy, that no one started in fantasy, score the winning touchdown. Now we all get to deal with seeing New England again in another fucking Super Bowl. However, the Rams know how to pay refs too, and I think they are the better team. We shall see in a couple of weeks. Did I mention how the refs were paid in these games?
I'd like to apologize to all the 5 friends of mine that read these rants, because I didn't get to watch any of the games last weekend, because my idiot buddy decided to get married in another country during the damn NFL playoffs, which really put me in a pickle, but we are going to do this damn rant regardless. It will be the first blind rant. RUN ON SENTENCES. I only watched highlights of the games, so this is going to be weak. We can start off with the retarded caveman himself leading his team to a solid ass kicking by the Chiefs. I know I could probably just say retard or caveman, but I feel like I need to say both to drive the point home. I doubt anyone really thought that they would win this game, but their fairy tale season is now over. The Chiefs put a caveman like beating on this so called good defense from the Colts, but it looks like the biggest part of this game was the Chiefs defense. They held that Indy offense to just 13 points and really made them look about as good as Houston last week. The Patriots are going to have their hands full, if that KC defense plays like this again next week, but we all know those cheating ass Pats will have some tricks (paid refs) up their sleeves. Well we have to talk about it even though I didn't see it go down. The fucking Cowboys did their normal thing (barely get to playoffs giving me false hope once again) and lost to those 'running the ball up our ass' Rams. How the hell did Zeke not get at least 50 yards? How the hell did Gurley and CJ Anderson run all over our defense that was suppose to be bad ass? How the hell did the refs blow that play dead? How the hell did I miss this game? We can all point fingers and make excuses, but it really comes down to one thing. It's all Matt Lariscy's fault. He really fucked me over by forcing me to leave the country, creating the butterfly effect that forced the Cowboys to lose. I bet he is still in Mexico just laughing his ass off right now. The damn Rams appear to still be pretty bad ass and praying they take the Saints down next week, because...... I have money on them. I don't really give a shit about any of the teams left now. I just want to win some cash to help payoff this Mexico debt that I racked up. Thanks Matt. I think we all knew there was no way catholic boy Phillip "I have too many damn kids" Rivers wasn't going to be much of a match for dem Patriots. Belichick and Brady do not lose when they have 2 weeks to prepare............. their checks to the refs. They are hard enough to beat as is, let alone give them 2 weeks to prep and home field advantage. There was no way in hell "too many kids" Rivers was going to win this game. It was an ass kicking with a couple of garbage time scores from the Chargers. Will Rivers ever get a Super Bowl ring? Probably not, but he should look into getting the NuvaRing. It's almost as good as a Super Bowl ring with a little more stank on it and is a lot easier to get. Now to the best thing that happen this weekend. The Eagles lost in great fashion. It's not that I care about the Saints, but I hate the Eagles. They were actually putting it to the Saints at the beginning of the game and then a few trickery plays later and fake punt, the Saints were back in it. They dominated the second half (just looking at the box score, thanks Matt). However, that Foles magic was starting up again as he drove the Eagles down the field on the last drive with time running out. He was about to pull off the win, but must of not realized his receivers suck. Alshon Jeffery, the same guy that said he had the best hands in the league, dropped a pass that Stephen Hawking would of caught blind folded with no chair. I shouldn't blame it all on him, but I will. He had some room to run and would of put them probably within 5-10 yards of the goal line with time to spare on the clock. I don't care if all his ribs were broke and he was missing his head, it was an easy catch for a toddler to make. Hell, I've seen better hands on Jason Pierre-Paul. I'm sure Wentz was just celebrating in his head the whole time while watching his teammate fall into a deep depression. What a dick. |
AuthorSean Womack CategoriesArchives
January 2023
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